I am not Enough
The feeling of not being worthy is one of the most horrible things any human being can ever feel. People tend to think that if someone feels like they are not enough, it's because they are just feeling ugly or they don’t like their bodies, and they are not wrong, actually, that’s one of the consequences of it but it's not all of it.
This is one of my scars, and I'll tell you how I got it.
It's going to sound so cringe but it all started because of a boy, I know super lame right? But yes, when I was 14 years old I started to like a guy, whose name I am not going to mention for obvious reasons.
The good thing is that he liked me back too. Everything started as a friendship but it was obvious that we liked each other.
When I turned 15, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him that until I graduated high school I didn’t want any boyfriends even if I liked him. Surprisingly he said the following sentences “I really like you and you are worth the wait, I am going to wait until you are 18 to ask you again”, low-key I felt as if I was in a romantic manga or novela whatever you want to call it but I felt like a total princess because of it.
Little did I know, 6 months pass and he started ghosting me, and a few weeks later he posted a picture with his new girlfriend. When I tell you that my heart broke into a million pieces I am not lying, not only that but the sentences he said “you are worth it” kept playing in my mind. That was the first time I thought of myself as “unworthy “ because I was “not enough” for him to wait.
After that, every time I looked at myself in the mirror I just saw this horrible girl that even if she was a good student, sister, daughter, and a good Christian it was still not enough. Because of it, I developed an unhealthy desire to be perfect. Thanks to that people never saw me crying, underdressed, without makeup, or even having a bad day, I couldn't let them figure out that I wasn't perfect because if they did then they will also notice that I am not worthy of anything.
That unhealthy behavior led to others, like depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and more.
When I turn 17, my mom decided to start a diet, one I HAD to do too, because my mom made me to and the truth is that I also needed it. I had more than 10 pounds above my ideal weight. After finishing the diet I lost those 10 pounds and started to feel a lot better with myself UNTIL one day.
My mom decided to change my siblings and me from school to an American one where they only spoke English. At that time my English was nonexistent so I had to start having private classes to be able to pass the entrance exam. The day came and I did the exam and had to wait for the results.
A few hours later the professor came, sat me down again, and said the following sentence, - " Your English is not enough for you to be accepted at the school", again with that word "not enough". That was the only word my brain kept on insisting I remember.
You are not enough for a guy to wait for you.
You're not enough if you are fat.
You are not enough if you are not wearing makeup.
You are not enough, even if you try to be perfect people will still not like you.
You are not enough to be accepted at the school.
You are not enough, period.
I lived with that lie until I turned 23. At that age, I got in contact with a lost friend that lives in Israel now, and she invited me to a youth event there, which I accepted.
I visited a lot of places where Jesus walked and did miracles, BUT it wasn't until I got to the garden of Gethsemane where Jesus prayed to the Father and said " Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.” That I realize the suffering and pain Jesus went through because of me.
It was at that Garden where I felt the lie being destroyed but the truth that God loves me so much that He sent His son for me.
How can I feel unworthy of Love? When Love itself loves me.
How can I feel not enough ? If God chose me.
How can I feel that I have no worth? When actually my salvation cost Jesus blood.
It wasn't until the cross was revealed to me that I realized that even if people do not love me or chose me, God does and thats what matters.
I am LOVED by Him.
I have WORTH for Him.